Shift

This could be chemical or this could be bad wine at midnight. This could be fatigue, but this could be real. Often in reflection or thought I come across a new spin on an idea. I practice at this. It takes that, practice. It's tough looking at something differently or anew on demand. It is also important to attempt to view everything from as many angles as one can.

Life is a train ride. Sometimes however, you really need to get off or get on top of this train to get a view not as much for the scenery, but of the vehicle. I still like this metaphor, though my perspective has come to believe that life and choice is nowhere near as linear as train tracks. It's more like the old board game Trouble, where each decision or move is predicated by a push of the hemispherical pop up die toss thing. As in life, direct intention and action couples with randomized interference at the interface of life to determine your fork in the road and inevitably your fate, only in life, the die may have infinite sides and a few other features. But I digress.

Tonight a perspective flashed before me that had no immediate rebuke. There was no automatic refute in my head. There would have been if the idea were as false as it should be, but apparently there is room for consideration. This idea may require a climb to the top of the train and a look around. The flash was this; against all life experience and against all desire and makeup of me, perhaps in the not-so-distant future, I may have to give up painting. Why? I do not live for just me anymore. As minimal as I have allowed painting to become, it may not be enough. It brings in nothing for anyone but me, though I am it. From my daily demands it just seems there is less and less room. And yes I am aware this implies that on a daily basis there is less and less room for me in my own life.

The more I write about this the worse the feeling gets. I don't want to avoid that, but I don't want to buy into something that feels as blackhole-ish as self deprecation. I had the thought for the first time in my life and I felt dread instead of reassurance, that's all.

I may feel fight worthy tomorrow.